Laughing Dog

Do You Agree With Laughing Dog?

2006-11-22T01:26:00.001-05:00

Laughing Dog is Taking Over the 'Hood!

2006-10-21T16:38:00.000-04:00

Laughing Dog's Essay on Reincarnation

2006-10-15T17:49:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I went music shopping for my friend’s bachelor party. He asked me to DJ, but I was having a hard time deciding what to get. I had just put back a copy of Lil’ Bow-Wow as it appeared to me upon reconsideration to be a bit cliché, when an exasperated ragged-looking woman ran into the store screaming about judgment day and how we should all repent or spend eternity in an endless cycle of reincarnation; the great wheel of suffering. The manager kicked her out so fast that the drool on her lips had time to hang in the air before dropping onto the linoleum only inches from where I had relieved myself a minute earlier. Soon after, I was kicked out too, not because I was disturbing the peace, but because I’m a dog, and I had scratched and slobbered on all the CDs I browsed through, and bit the leg of the boy who bought the last copy of Splinter by the Sneaker Pimps. But it got me thinking. What if reincarnation isn’t just an imaginary justification for a mixed up moral religion? Should this change the way I live? First of all, I’m inclined to ask myself what are the parameters here? How much wrong must one do to be reborn as something worse? I mean, let’s say that in one of my past lives I used to be a dedicated Buddhist, chasing Karma around every mountainside in India, and for some reason I started lying to my followers and claiming that I had found Samadhi, enlightenment, release from suffering or whatever, and they treated me like a God because of it. Would this be a big enough breach of morals, or a heavy enough karmic load to be reincarnated as an inebriated dog, chasing cars around every block in Bemidji? The rules here are so vague, even our national defense-spending budget seems accurately detailed in comparison. My curiosity led me to do some research on the matter, but it only left me with more questions. For instance, not once in all the Vedas did I dig up any rules governing the chronological distribution of returning souls. There’s nothing that says I couldn’t be reincarnated at an earlier or simultaneous time to the life that I just got out of. Maybe If I’m really bad I’ll have to go back in time and be reborn as Carrot Top, or a poodle, or that guy who played Urkle. Worse yet, for all I know, right now I could also be that fire hydrant on 5th Street that I spend so much time defacing! Now, a lot of the branches of Hinduism claim that enlightenment comes directly from the realization of one’s true nature. Unfortunately most of them also have an explanation of the true nature they ought to be, so I guess they think that you can understand something without realizing it, which seems like a steaming pile of hooey, then again, I understand that, as a dog, I ought to be incapable of writing essays, but I haven’t realized that yet. So, maybe they’re onto something. In the texts, they also often mention Brahman, which to me is just Ramen in a beer gravy, but in the East it refers to the concept that all people are part of a larger self, that we are all in essence the same being in different forms and from different perspectives. This includes plants and the natural world. So now I’m not just myself and the unfortunate fire hydrant, I could be every single thing in existence at the same time. Should I mate with that Collie? Well, since I’m her and I don’t mind, I might as well. How about that large tasty dog bone, should I steal that from Walmart? Well if I am the bone and I offer myself up, that’s not stealing now is it? Seems to me like a one-way ticket to a life of justifiable hedonism. So what’s this karma about then? As long as I make sure to allow myself to do whatever it is that I want in whatever form I want to do it in, there can be no wrongdoing. I think I’m starting to like this religion. Oooh, I just realized that this coming bachelor party is actually going to be my party as well, so whatever music I like should be fine for everybody. I think I’m going to find a copy of the theme song from the original Parent Trap… let’s get together, yeah, yeah, yeah! Seems fitting. Meanwhile I can rest assured that somewhere out there, one of the forms I am taking is bound to find enlightenment eventually, and then I’ll be set. After all, if this cycle of reincarnation is the only facsimile of Hell that exists, then as soon as it’s over, there’s only one place left to go. That’s right, it is now common knowledge; all dog’s go to Heaven.

2005-12-11T01:30:00.000-05:00

If you have four legs and a strong opinion, Laughing Dog would like to hear from you!! Leave your own discourse here as a "post" and it will be reviewed for publication.

Laughing Dog's Essay on Foreign Policy

2005-12-10T22:34:00.000-05:00

Has anyone noticed how bizarre our nation’s foreign policy has become these days? Promoting national pride in times of international economies, using the U.N. policies, which were designed to prevent wars, as a justification to ignite a war, and then ignoring the U.N. when we got what we wanted, supposedly defending the global community of free democracies, and yet having by far the largest amount of foreign military bases in the world. I want to know what happened to the good old days, before England claimed ownership of a land that already belonged to hundreds of thousands of people, and called it the U.S.A. Back when Kings would send their people on slaughter parades in other lands just to steal enough stuff to spoil themselves so they didn’t revolt. At least there wasn’t any confusion in that system. A robs B to survive, B defends from A to stay alive: nothing anyone considered immoral at the time. But now that they’ve built our morals up, they have to go do all this stuff behind our backs and trick us all into allowing it. How terribly awkward. What would I do differently? That’s what you’re all asking yourselves I’m sure. Well, let’s take a comparative look at the structure of foreign policy in the world of domesticated canines. First off, there are three types of “countries” for dogs: those with fences, “invisible” fences, and open boundaries. Fences are land barriers like oceans and mountains. They make it so other dogs cannot easily get in. Invisible fences are like political borders, where there are no land barriers, but some militant force will keep you from crossing (of course illegal aliens don’t have nearly as much trouble sneaking in as residents have pass-porting out). And the open boundaries are like unmanned borders without land barriers where any willing pup can cross if they choose. Now, there is a type of U.N. amongst these yards or “countries”, and that is the Pound. And since it is a human creation, it has the same flaws really. If one or two dogs are reported to be loitering around yards where they don’t belong, the pound can secure and remove them, and if they have behaved most awfully, they may be put to “sleep”. But if there are too many dogs running around wildly, the Pound really can’t do anything about it. Of course, we dogs have much better noses for sniffing out intruders than even the C.I.A. (which is the best sniffing force the U.N. has at its disposal), so the Pound is only a necessary convention in the eyes of humans. But lets get to the real differences here, which are the motivations behind “international” relations. First of all, why do dogs roam outside of their own yards?

1.) Imperialism. (Yes, we are guilty of this too.) We like to invade the “countries” of other dogs, dig up their buried bones, eat out of their dishes, and shit in their yards. This is more like the ransacking of the kings than modern capitalism, except for the shitting part, which resembles the grotesque poverty and pollution that exploitive foreign businesses leave in their wake.

2.) Breeding. (And here’s where we begin to differ.) We like to roam through other lands looking for a suitable mate to force ourselves upon. I suppose this is much like forcing democracies and pinch governments on developing countries, except we typically don’t take any responsibility for our actions, nor do we check up on our handy-work to see if it matures.

3.) Recreation. (Our most common motivation.) Most of the time, we just like to go out and see new things, bark mean phrases to other dogs as we pass, roll around in something awful until we run out of energy, and come home and brag about the trip. (Then again, I’ve seen many humans go out to foreign countries, spout ethnocentric insults, get shit-faced until they run out of money, and come home bragging too… They call it a vacation.)

OK, so I guess we dogs aren’t so different from you humans after all. But let us consider these last tasty pieces of comparison. You require trade to sustain your country, while we dogs have no such necessities. Our only arms race is a contest to see who can howl the loudest. Also, when we are forced to go out to other yards, we only start fights to protect our masters if we like them to begin with. You silly so-called “Americans”, you go where your government drafts you as well, but you fight to protect your government even if you’re not fond of it at all! So, whose foreign policy is better now?

Laughing Dog's Jokes: Archive #2

2005-12-10T17:10:00.000-05:00

1.) Q: What is laughing Dog’s favorite thriller film?
A: The Bone Collector!

2.) Q: What is the name of the autobiographical novel Laughing Dog wrote when he moved from Chicago to Minneapolis in 2001?
A: A Tail of Two Cities!

3.) Q: What did laughing dog call the form of punctuation he invented in 1992 that is used to identify the subject of a sentence as purebred?
A: The “mutt mark”!

4.) Q: What is Laughing Dog’s favorite vitamin?
A: Phylloquinone! (Vitamin K-9)

5.) Q: How does Laughing Dog win every bar fight?
A: He’s fur-ocious!

6.) Q: Why did Laughing Dog’s girlfriend brake up with him?
A: He refused to collar!

7.) Q: Why did Laughing Dog choose to buy his house instead of rent it?
A: He didn’t like the leash agreement!

8.) Q: How did Laughing Dog prove he wasn’t racist?
A: He drank a Red Dog! (Does anyone remember that beer?)

9.) Q: Why doesn’t Laughing Dog put up any fences?
A: He knows a cheaper way to mark his territory…

10.) Q: Who is Laughing Dog’s favorite apostle?
St. Boniface! (He was a German Shepard)

Laughing Dog's Essay on Time Management

2005-09-12T16:54:00.000-04:00

I have been getting letters from folks around the globe, asking me if I have any advice to help smooth out the chaos of the hectic Americanized schedules and lifestyles that people suffer through every day. Well, I’m happy to say that I do have a set of principles just laying around the old doghouse that I believe will help dramatically in this affair. It’s no joke, and all of those late night infomercial spokesmen were right; time management is the key! So much valuable time is wasted due to poor organization of activities and unnecessary outings and habits. So, if you want to shape up your life and become more efficient, here is what you can do. First, make a list of all the things you have to accomplish and the time frames you have in which to do so. Are there any items on this list such as “Go to the bathroom?” Have you thought about carrying a pooper-scooper around with you? This will save you at least 10 minutes a day. Also, you can always reduce travel time by driving on the sidewalks or through people’s yards during rush hours. Next, did you happen to write something along the lines of “Spend time with the wife and litter?” Remember readers, the babysitter makes a salary for a reason. And about your wife, well, if you neglect her long enough she will find someone else who has more time for her. Two birds with one Frisbee, right? These are the kinds of tips that really work! Maybe you have already implemented these things and you are still having trouble accomplishing everything… This means it’s time to prioritize. You simply have too much in your dish, and it is time to drop a few of your commitments. It will be hard at first, but not as hard as choosing which child to eat when the winter comes and your pack is lost in the forest. The only question is, “Which ones do I drop?” Look at your list again. Then, ask yourself if you want to make long-term goals or short-term goals. If you choose short-term, well then you can throw out eating and sleeping. You will get much more done in the meantime without having to worry about those things. However, you will inevitably die much sooner, so you won’t be able to get a whole lot accomplished in the future. Another approach to the short-term is to contract a severe and terminal illness. You can cross out work altogether while you collect on workers’ comp., or unemployment, or welfare, or sit in the hospital for years eating up state funding, and you will have hours upon hours to do whatever your body can still manage in the time you have left to live. If you choose long-term, it may be a more difficult process. First you could cross out holidays or religious occasions. And you don’t have to lose spirit in doing so, because you can always tie a ribbon on your collar or something to show that you’re celebrating on the inside. Another unnecessary item would be any kind of artistic expression or patronage, (i.e. viewing films, painting, sculpting, acting, reading, etc.). This is a preferred method because studies have shown that the more you avoid these things, the less you want to take part in them, and the less likely your mind is to wastefully wander into a state of time-consuming independent thought. This will save you more time than you can imagine, and of course you will eventually lose your ability to imagine the time you have saved, which is yet another sign of progress. And the kicker here is that, with all the extra money you make from being more efficient and having more time to work, you may eventually be able to afford to replace all of your organic tissue with complex machinery, and that my friends is about as far as my methods can take you. But trust me, it will be far enough. People will be jealous of how well you manage your time, and they will ask you questions like, “Hey Mr. Automated Machine Man, how do you manage to get so much done?” And when you don’t answer because it would be a waste of time, and because you’ve had your reasoning capabilities removed from your electronic brain format, they will be impressed at how dedicated you are to your efficiency philosophy. Yes, it does take time to become this successful, but it also takes awhile to build up a good layer of disguising aromas on your fur. And as I always say, it’s never too late to roll in something.

2005-09-05T19:04:00.000-04:00

Laughing Dog's Dorm Smoking Policy

Laughing Dog's Essay on Upbringing

2005-06-28T23:24:00.000-04:00

There has been a lot of controversy in the past decade over the proper methods of raising children. Some people are concerned about what types of punishments are still considered acceptable, if any. I, on the other hand, see a growing amount of spoiled rebellious little monsters running around, and tend to believe that all this soft parenting is resulting in children that are unable to learn, unable to focus, and unable to show respect. We are overlooking the hard coincidental evidence. How loyal and respectful have our pets become in this same amount of time? Could it be because the anger of the parents who don't punish their kids is getting redirected toward the family pets? Does this improvement in pet behavior result directly from harsher and more physical punishments for the mistakes that we pets have been making? Let's play out a little scenario here. Billy leaves the table without cleaning up his dishes. Mom grabs Billy by the neck and shoves his nose in the left-over squash on his plate while screaming "No! No! Bad Billy! Bad Bad Billy! You don't leave your dishes on the table!! Followed by a swift kick in the rear. I doubt Billy is going to do that again. And when you think about it, he's not really being hurt, just terribly degraded. It's an ideal scenario, sure to show drastic results. And then comes the issue of the teenage years. The kids get interested in sex and drugs. How can soft parents possibly keep their children away from these things, ice cream and trips to the movies just don't hold a stick to orgasms and intense highs. And when the parents do get brave enough to say something, by this time the kids just talk back and snap at them. However, if you apply the upbringing skills used on your pets, all of this can be avoided. Scenario #2: Billy is caught having sex with his girlfreind, Dad busts in with a garden hose and blasts him in the genitals with ice cold water until the two are forced to part. Billy is scarred for life and will probably not feel comfortable having sex for years to come! Later that day, Billy tries to drown his sexual frusteration by smoking a bunch of grass. Mom and Dad quickly tug him away by his collar and lock him in a room with a bowl of dogfood until he eats a healthy amount. Even when you're high, dogfood tastes like dogfood. Billy won't have much of an apetite for the blunt for awhile. These are tactics that are proven and sound, they really work! And if your child ever talks back, try shoving your hand in his mouth until he gags. I assure you, he'll stop within two weeks of this formidable training. Hopefully by now I have you all convinced that soft parenting is not the answer. Embrace these new tactics, and who knows, maybe you'll like them so much you'll go on to teach your child to sing the national anthem or recite a piece by Chopin while dangling a dollar over their heads, among other amusing tricks. While we dogs really appreciate this type of training, I honestly believe it will be even more appropriate, successful, and worthwhile to practice it on your children. You're welcome.

2005-06-09T13:35:00.000-04:00

Laughing Dog's Dorm Liquor Policy

Grand Silence Parade

2005-05-04T18:42:00.001-04:00

Laughing Dog's Essay on Time Travel

2005-04-18T00:33:00.000-04:00

Time travel is not impossible. I do it every day. The trick is how to go about qualifying the term. Some famous thinkers, like Einstein, determined time travel to be physically returning to a physical reality that has undergone a less amount of aging in the same relative amount of time as oneself. This is presumably the physical past. Supposedly, relying on this theory of relativity, this is a feasible method. It's something to do with the speed of light I believe, but the only theory of relativity I'm familiar with is to never hump any pups in the same litter. Others, like those involved in the Philidelphia Experiment and the Montauk Experiment, believe that time acts on a wave-length, and that every 40 years it makes a half-wave and returns to center, allowing us a brief gap in which we can jump back and forth (with the proper equipment). How many years does it take to make this proper equipment? You would think that passengers from the eventual future would've stopped by one of these days and helped us finish the equipment faster! Then there are those who say that to see into the past is a form of time travel. As in if we were to shoot out toward the edge of the galaxy faster than the speed of light, we would catch up to visual images that portrayed the happenenings of the past. I can't even catch up to a car yet. Anyhow, if it's that easy, then just by reading this essay, you are seeing what I wrote in the past, and you can consider this "traveling time." But why bother with all of this lengthy explanation? I tend to think that the past is locked up in my memories, and I can access it anytime I want to. All I have to do is think back to that last butt I sniffed, and I can relive it over and over again. Sometimes I even salivate just from the idea of it. The point is, the only way we can claim to belong to any time is through our perception of that particular reality. This means that wherever our mind rests, that is what is real to us at the time, and thus that becomes the time that we are existing in. There isn't a more efficient manner of time travel than to simply truly believe that you are there.

Laughing Dog's Jokes: Archive #1

2005-03-30T16:17:00.000-05:00

1.) Q: What is Laughing Dog's favorite summer job?
A: Roofing!

2.) Q: Why does Laughing Dog's Iggy Pop CD skip so much?
A: He put a 'scratch' in it!

3.) Q: What does Laughing Dog call the cell-phone he brings with when he's on vacation?
A: A flee-caller!

4.) Q: What does Laughing Dog call his father?
A: Paw!

5.) Q: Why didn't Laughing Dog finish his loaf of bread?
A: He doesn't like the heel!

6.) Q: Why can't Laughing Dog play fetch with a stump?
A: The bark is bigger than his bite!

7.) Q: How did Laughing Dog justify eating a bratwurst at the vegetarian festival?
A: "It's a dog eat dog world!"

8.) Q: Why doesn't Laughing Dog use shaving cream?
A: He likes it 'ruff'!

9.) Q: What did Laughing Dog do when he realized his secretary was a bitch?
A: He asked her on a date!

10.) Q: Who did Laughing Dog's uncle hire to watch his kids while he was away?
A: A baby-Setter!

The Original Framed Laughing Dog

2005-03-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

Laughing Dog on Dormitory Pet Policy

2005-03-23T16:34:00.000-05:00

The Origin of Laughing Dog

2005-03-23T15:54:00.000-05:00

One day up at Bemidji State University in the fall of 2004, the cafeteria was given a rather large amount of Cracker Jack brand cracker-jacks to hand out to all of the starving little college kids when they came to visit. All day long you could hear the crunching of the little snacks echo in unison around the classrooms. Later that day when I stumbled upon my cohort's room he engaged me excitedly about some amazing thing that he just couldn't wait to unveil. Buried inside his box of Cracker Jacks was something profound... it wasn't a toy, or a sticker, or a flashy plastic ring... it was a joke. And not just any joke, this was the most subtley clever and confounding thing we'd seen all year. It was a picture of a sailor with his arm around his dog, and he's asking his dog a question, "Why was the math book sad?" Obviously a set up for a cheesy popsicle stick joke, right? But then the dog actually speaks out in plain English and answers the joke, "Because it had a lot of problems!" The dog is laughing hysterically at his own corny response and the sailor is laughing so hard his eyes are squinty and he points at the dog with his other hand as if to say "This guy here, this is the guy." ...like they're drinking buddies or something! It was so funny I quickly made a blown-up picture of it in photoshop and framed it. I left out the words even, because the picture says it all. Then, later I drew up a characature of Laughing Dog and we used it to make fun of some of the posted rules around the dorm, letting Laughing Dog say what he wanted to about the matter. Soon it became an epidemic. Laughing Dog already has freinds in Rochester and Massachussettes. So, when this whole "I agree with Suzanne" thing started up around here and put up a website, I found it only fair that Laughing Dog should have the oppertunity to mock this as well and to have his very own website too. (If you're curious about the Suzanne thing, go ahead and log on to www.iagreewithsuzanne.com and leave your thoughts, or do as Laughing Dog would and leave some poo.) On behalf of Laughing Dog and all his affilliates, enjoy the site we've made for him here, read the essays, share the experience!

Laughing Dog's Essay on Moral Philosophy

2005-03-09T13:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I’m on my way home from the park, I catch myself shitting in some stranger’s lawn, and I have to stop and think. Is it wrong of me to do so? Society has come to some understanding about the rules and expectations of property and privilege that they all tend to agree upon, after all, that’s how laws come to exist in a sovereign nation. The question remains, do these types of agreements mandate societal ethics as well? Is morality universal, or is it specific to each society? When I look up at the stranger’s window to see his furious expression as I defecate in various locations across his yard, I wonder if he has the right to be so embittered. As I see it, the only true law is natural law, and the rest are just guidelines. Would he have a right to be angry at a tree for stretching it’s root structure under his driveway, or dropping leaves on his roof? Would he be justified in cursing the clouds for dropping hail on his new Dodge Stratus? I don’t believe this right is his to reserve on account that these are naturally occurring happenstances, and to live in a world that is governed foremost by nature, everyone has silently agreed to these terms in order just to exist. Coming back to the point, if nature is the prominent governing force, then whatever actions I take must be within the boundaries of that nature which are particular to me (granted to me upon existence), and thus I cannot be held morally responsible. In other words, when I’m relieving myself, regardless of where I do it, I’m merely acting out my nature, just as the trees and the clouds. And so, just by coexisting in this world with me, the owner of the property I’m defiling has already in essence agreed to the terms of nature and so should not be upset with me for doing so. I take a great comfort in knowing this, and that guy can rest assured as well that I will continue to do my business where and when I please. However, at the same time I am forced to expect that any retaliation that is within his nature to display is comparatively justifiable, and so I have to be prepared to be equally accepting of whatever vengeance is taken upon me. This is my conclusion on the matter.